I was reading a recent post by Ros Barber, where amongst many points she made was one she said we are all terrible people sometimes. I found myself nodding in agreement. Sometimes, I have been a terrible person. I’ve said something mean or done an action that later on I look back on with regret and remorse. I try to live a better life and I am slowly but surely becoming a person I love and respect, but there are still moments where I do something and afterwards shake my head in regret and wonder why I thought what I did or said was a good idea. Or I marvel at my shadow and how it sabotaged me, and recognize in the process how I wasn’t being honest with myself, and as a result wasn’t being honest with anyone else.
I’ve long ago accepted I’m not a perfect person, nor will I ever be a perfect person. But that doesn’t mean I want to be a terrible person, or that I accept it. Yet nonetheless sometimes I have done terrible things, and in this I think I share a question that any other person might naturally ask...
How do I possibly avoid this terribleness?
I don’t think the answer is to avoid our terribleness, but instead to accept that we all have our shadows and that as best as possible we need to work on being aware of them, and do the work to heal the wounds that those shadows are trying to protect. After all, when I have done some thing I regret I find that what I’ve done has been based around my own unhealed trauma and wounding. That doesn’t justify my actions or words…far from it, but the observation of my shadow, in the form of my reactions and triggers can give me clues to do the work I necessarily need to do to heal myself, and show up as a safer person to be around.
It helps as well to not do this work alone. I’ve done a lot of inner work over the years on my own and to some degree that work did help me, but when I started meeting in men’s circles and sharing the challenges of my life, I found that my inner work significantly changed, because now I was being held to account by other people who were seeing through my own rationalizations and excuses.
And even so, I have made choices I’m not proud of, even now. Yes, I’m doing the inner work and yes I’m working on healing my wounds and yet doing that work doesn’t guarantee that a person will never make questionable choices again. The more aware I become, the more subtle the shadows can be. But that inspires me to work even more on myself, and continue the process to become a safer person.
We can do terrible things, sometimes. Sometimes we say or do things that show us at our worse or at least not our best, and we have to live with those moments and take responsibility for the impact and consequences of our words and actions. But I like to think that each of us has the potential to be better, and do better. What we do with that potential depends on how we’re willing to show up for ourselves, not just in the good moments, but also in the moments that aren’t good, but nonetheless are part of the human experience we all find ourselves living in.
That’s part of my work and your work. We can’t change what we’ve done, but we can change who we are and can become. We can learn from our mistakes and give ourselves and others the grace to grow and heal. This is also part of the human experience…
If you’re a man and you want help on your journey to becoming a better and safer man, check out my free book The Men’s Work and if you’re a woman who knows a man who is struggling, please consider sharing this article with him.